I see people discussing taboo sex everywhere. From my favorite romance novels to the filthiest porn on pornhub, there is the word ‘taboo’ plastered on titles and in descriptions. People approach me to explore their taboo fantasies online, often without saying a simple hello first.
Over time, the things marketed as taboo in porn and erotic literature have shifted. First oral sex was taboo, then anal sex, and now daddy fantasies are the new taboo.
The shifting nature of taboo in entertainment is one thing, but what about the real sexual taboos? What about the things that no matter what happens, they seem to always be there? They go against how society tells us to live, how society tells us to have sex, and sometimes even how society tells us to love one another.
Female domination (or FemDom for short) is one of those such fantasies. And for people who choose to indulge in the fantasy and make it a reality, the taboo can be troublesome in more ways than one.
For women like me who engage in FemDom in a professional context as a paid dominatrix and in a personal context in my female led relationships, the taboo haunts us everywhere we go.
People I don’t even know will tell me how I need to behave towards the people I am dating, or towards my play things. Strangers feel that they have a right to instruct me to behave in a mild way, to not challenge the men in my life in any way, to not push their buttons or refuse to do what I am told. This is one thing, but when I start being the one to call the shots, well, I have broken far too many rules there. A woman in charge, a woman with sexual agency, now that is something that many fear.
Unfortunately, those same attitudes are true of both the supposedly enlightened people already involved in BDSM communities and their vanilla counterparts. Even those who are part of subversive subcultures who refuse to be told how to fuck by society, will engage in this level of kink shaming that leaves FemDommes rolling their eyes.
When I – or a friend – have mentioned my professional choice to become a dominatrix to people at local kink events, we’re often met with shock, suspicion, and told by others that not only is it bad that I am a domme, but even worse that I want to charge men for the privilege of serving me.
Of course, I am no longer offended by this small mindedness – I would never be able to get anything done if I was – but I recognise the taboo when I see it. I recognize how it impacts the people who I play with, too.
Submissive people – men who choose to submit to a woman in particular – are often told that they are less than, that they don’t deserve anything, that they are useless and worthless and weak. Of course, if one was saying these things as part of a consensual humiliation or degradation scene, that would be one thing. But I am talking about the times when these comments are not made in that context. I am talking about the times when those comments are being said – both overtly and covertly – to disrespect and sometimes bully people who choose consensual power exchange. People who want to explore their hottest fantasies with a dominatrix as well as those who want to defer to their female partner in a romantic relationship.
It makes me sad that in 2019, a woman in charge and her partner who loves it are seen as more perverted than other sexual acts, and more taboo. But they are.
I am writing this as a way of highlighting the taboo. I have seen other BDSM and FemDom writers doing the same thing, and I wanted to add my voice. The only other thing to do would be to remain silent, and for the adoration and respect of myself and my submissives, I could not do that.
We’re here, and we’re not going anywhere.
Victoria Gray 