This One Hack Stops Abuse In BDSM Relationships &Communities

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A simple rule that will change your kinky life

This is a concept I have had to explain to people since long before I became a professional dominatrix and interacted online and over the phone with submissives. I came from the world of lifestyle BDSM where people sat down and talked about what they wanted from a scene, their limits, etc. Before taking a submissive by the hand and leading them down the kinky garden path.

A scene was a contained period of time where we had already negotiated what would happen, and what wouldn’t. I never took anything into the scene — say if I was mad at the submissive — and never took anything out of the scene — I didn’t tell them they were a useless worm in front of their boss for example — I kept these boundaries strong and we both honored them, I would refuse to play with submissives who I did not like or respect. This isn’t always the case with every so-called dominant, and when it’s not, things are crossing over into abuse.

Even though I am now a professional kinkster, I hold on to this idea of a scene as a container. Perhaps even more strongly now than ever before. 

When we’re in a scene, or inside a dynamic, everything is negotiated. The difference though is that in professional BDSM, sometimes things aren’t as explicitly negotiated say when we get a call from someone who we have never spoken to before who is ready to be made our plaything right this very moment, so we have to work with less. Something which has made me far better at negotiating on the run and reading a submissive, and made it far easier for me to see when we are acting within the container of a scene, and without. Oftentimes the first few times I hear from submissives is when they are already in sub space over the phone, then they will email me with general life chitter chatter post-scene, or between scenes. 

The difference between lifestyle and professional BDSM — particularly online and over the phone professional BDSM — is that we learn to negotiate oftentimes when we’re mid-way through a scene, true improvisation. 

“Mistress, may I slap myself in the face?” A caller might ask at ten AM on a Tuesday. 

Well, he’s obviously done this before. He has done his own risk assessment before calling and this is within my own limits. He’s an adult, after all.

“Do it twice boy. Once because you didn’t say please.” I’ll answer, a wicked smile spreading across my face and bleeding into my voice so he can hear just how much I am enjoying the sound of the blows through the phone. 

This stands in direct contrast to the dudebros who hit up female submissives on FetLife with such charming messages as, ‘yo bitch, come over tonight and I’ll spank that ass.’ as their first message. She didn’t consent to that. She didn’t even go looking for that. Here she was logging on to kinky social media to check messages from friends, and here you are in her inbox with your garbage. That’s not fun kink existing in a container, that’s you covering for your creepiness by calling it kink. We all know what you’re doing, and it’s not welcome. It has never been welcome in kink spaces, even when people did tolerate it. 

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If I am angry with my plaything for whatever reason and I take that into the scene and do things to terrify them, that is not consensual play, that is me being a jerk. The same goes for if someone is actually a jerk in life and they are using BDSM as a cover for it, that is not okay. 

A new plaything of mine recently told me about a woman he was serving in person who had this kind of bratty Domme persona. She was great fun in the context of a scene, until he realised this brattiness he found so attractive in the context of a scene wasn’t just something she did for kinky fun, but she actually was a total bitch. He ran — rather than walked — away. As he should have. 

In the same way that a scene is a container and things should not be carried in, things should not be carried out either. If a boy approaches me wanting me to drain his bank account — which he has probably only put a few thousand dollars into a separate account with this type of play in mind—that does not mean I will force him to pay me a few thousand dollars every single day. Although, if we had agreed to that kind of FinDom/FinSub dynamic, sure I would because that is what we explicitly agreed to. Although, it is worth noting that it is a rare FinSub who openly shares his budget with you.

Sometimes the container of the scene can be hard to identify if you are building rapport or a relationship with a Domme, particularly online. This is something I am conscious of and although yes I am human and I do make mistakes, I tend to be aware that subs who approach me with dreams of me ruining their lives only want to daydream about that, they don’t actually want me to physically knock on their bosses door Monday and hand over evidence of how perverse they are. I do understand that for a number of submissives who get in touch with me, this is just fantasy talk. They just want someone to bounce a fantasy off, and that’s cool. 

Oftentimes, as I have implied too, it is up to me to work out where that finsub or that daydreaming subs limits are, because they don’t want to express them, feeling that would ruin their fantasy of me being the all knowing Goddess. Me continuing to play with them isn’t me being a bad Domme or playing in a non-consensual manner, this is me finding their limits inside the context of play, as I demonstrated up top with the self face slapping submissive example. 

For those people, the internet — and specifically the platform where we communicate — is the container for their kink. They may have me drain that one bank account, or say mean things to them on the phone, but outside of that, they are a normal functioning member of society. This is their fun time, and they have created those boundaries themselves. 

Many of my subs have ‘quiet time’ on their devices where the DMs I send during the work day do not go through to their phones, even when they have email alerts turned on. I know when this happens and have them remember to log out of quiet time once they are home and ready to be my play things. 

Times of day, platform, even specific days of the week or times set aside by myself and/or my sub or play thing is the containers we need so we can have our fun in a healthy consensual way. 

Just as when people are participating in play in real time they will only be playing with a FemDom when she enters the dungeon, or the play party, or when she tells them to kneel before the St. Andrew’s Cross and wait. 

Or, if they are in a long-term dynamic, they may only play on the weekend, or when they arrive home from work, or once a month when their kids are with the sitter. 

Part of being open to new playthings and submissives is being open to the variety of when/where people can play. I am aware of this and move to accommodate my boys lives and schedules. I am not the boss of their entire lives — except in cases when we have agreed that I am — and understand that the scene we are having together is important, and also has its place. I do what I can to hold that space so they can slip into their submission and I can embrace the role I love so much. 

When submissives become more than just sessioning playthings, and become my pets things do shift. We talk about vanilla life as well as kink, and oftentimes this makes the container obvious in other ways beyond the example already used of ‘when we’re talking on the phone, we’re in session/when we’re emailing we’re out of session’ used above. Oftentimes it is other markers that will show when the session has started, and when it has finished. Things become more complex and interesting as the relationship evolves. 

This also makes space for pre-scene negotiation when it is needed for scenes that will be pushing the submissive, and any post-scene communication we need. Because although I am a domme as long as I am breathing, I am not always in the same head space as I am in the middle of a scene, nor are they. 

I mean — imagine if they never left sub space, how our world would function when so many men participate in BDSM and FemDom. 

Actually, that is a nice note to leave this on. A world full of men devoted to and submitting to me, kissing my feet after brewing my coffee, or offering me that raise at work. Perfection.  

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