This one question will change your (kinky) life
Over the course of my journey as a lifestyle and professional dominatrix, I have found that oftentimes submissives don’t tell you everything. It isn’t that they’re lying or deliberately holding things back, it’s that there’s just far too much information and they oftentimes can’t tell you every little detail.
There’s a lot they can tell you about what they want in a scene, but there is even more that their bodies can tell you if you know how to listen. Oftentimes their bodies can tell you things they’re not even aware of themselves.
How do you ‘listen’ to the body of someone you don’t know very well? How are pros consistently giving subs their best scenes when we apparently don’t know them as well as their social circle or their regular play partners?
We ask one very simple question — or rather a few simple questions — and we pay a lot of attention to how they’re answered:
“What does it feel like when you do/don’t like something? Where in your body do you feel that? What will it look like for me? What will it sound like (if the person does/doesn’t make a lot of sound)?”
I am giving away some serious industry secrets here, but they’re important when it comes to the way we all play, and if my advice can help anyone have better BDSM playtime, then I want you to take it and run with it. Although I am writing this primarily for a top/dom(me) audience, if you’re a sub reading this, feel free to send this link to anyone you would like to play with.
Depending on the circumstances and the dominants, some like to talk about what it will look like or sound like when they’re having a good time. Although this doesn’t always come up, for me giggling usually means I am having a good time. Although, it might mean things are about to get challenging for whoever I am playing with.
The reason why this question is so important is because oftentimes people become non-verbal when they’re so in the moment, but their body is constantly communicating with the world around them. Their body is telling anyone who is listening — and you’re listening if you’re a good dominant — about where they’re at. Their body is telling you if they’re having a good time, a bad time, how what you’re doing feels to them.
If you know at the start that if someone doesn’t like something they will curl in — as much as their body allows — to protect their soft belly, and you see it, you know it is time to ease up, or switch things up and try something else.
If you know that when they’re enjoying things they will move towards you, ever so slightly, then you will know when they are most engaged in a scene and when maybe they’re a little bored.
Yes, there is an increase of the heart rate and a widening of the eyes and the breathing picks up and the past and future fade. Yes, that person is bought into the now. Into the present in a way that not much else in life could bring them into the now. But there is more to this. They are the expert on their body, and although there might be common denominators between them and others, they are wholly unique, just as their dominant is wholly unique. Just as all humans are wholly unique.
Learning their body is an important part of getting this right. Of course, if you play with someone multiple times you will begin to see patterns in the way they move their body, but the first time can be the most important because oftentimes people miss things on the first time which can mean that person not only doesn’t want to play with you anymore, but that you’ve given your plaything an awful experience and potentially turned them off playing with anyone for a good long while.
So don’t do that.
Do pay attention to their body language. Do have asking about their body language be a normal part of the conversation before you play.
Yes, this is starting at the point of negotiating a single BDSM scene, but mastering this will bring you more awareness into other parts of your life.
The longer you play, the more subtle signs they will give you, the less you will actually have to rely on words at all.
And when you get into that head space of enjoying the beautiful, wonderful dance that is BDSM play, you will never want to go back to a time when BDSM play is not a regular part of your life.
But first, ask the questions. Listen to the answers, make sure you fully understand the meaning of what you’re being told. Then apply those learnings to play. Neither you nor your plaything will regret it.
BDSM is a dance, and knowing the moves is important. It’s also important to be able to read their body and know where they are so you don’t step on their toes.
Broken toes are no fun, but being the idiot who broke someone elses toes when you could have avoided it is not something anyone wants.
Asking questions, listening to the answers and watching their body can make a huge difference in how you play, and how your play is received.
This one thing could have new playthings lined up around the block for you.
Good luck!
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Victoria Gray 