Where’s the Dom in FinDom?

“That’s not FinDom… WTF!?” Shouldn’t need to be said.

Originally published in Notes From Your Dominatrix

Photo by Rock Staar on Unsplash

Spend any amount of time on NSFW social media and you’ll see them — college students trying to make a few extra bucks selling feet pics, used panties and “their attention”, the later being sold as financial domination. 

The girls that get it, get it. Yes, these things are worth money and yes sex work is work. The problem here lies in what these girls are being sold. These girls are being sold a fantasy where they won’t have to work, they’ll just receive a load of money for nothing from strangers on the internet and they’ll be just fine. Then when that doesn’t happen immediately as they’ve been told it will, they start spamming every social media site, message board, subreddit, and vaguely FemDom forum on FetLife. This of course achieves nothing, and leaves them feeling frustrated and even more broke than before they bought all the sexy panties to sell. 

As someone who has been doing online sex work for some time, the get rich quick brigade who SPAM everywhere and understand nothing are increasingly frustrating. I know it is not just me and that other dommes and submissives are frustrated too, which doesn’t help the college students any more as unlike “old pros” like myself, they don’t have the thick skin I’ve grown as a result of being in this industry. Every time someone is rude to them on the Internet, they feel it. There are more and more frustrated people being rude to college girls and professionals alike every day, so more and more fodder to upset college girls trying to get by. 

It is not just my thick skin, but everything about me lends to this job. I have spent years honing my skills as a domme, and I am still learning. If you want to be good at anything, you can’t stay stagnant. You have to keep learning, growing, and moving forward. 

Financial domination is a very specific kink, it is where a domme uses a submissives — usually a male submissives — money as a way of controlling them. Yes, there are some people who will tribute small amounts in order to communicate to dommes — usually around $50 at the start of an interaction, but it can go up to about $500 and still be called ‘small’— but by and large, the people who are really practicing this kink are handing over power, not just dollars. 

What I am seeing more and more is random people who believe that communicating with pretty girls online — or a professional session with a FemDom — is FinDom, and that’s just not it. FinDom is a very specific kink. 

Financial domination isn’t just any interaction with a pretty girl — or a domme, professional or not — where money is involved, it is where the money is specifically used to control or dominate the submissive. It can take the form of handing over a portion of your pay check; fines; the sub begging to tribute (only do this after you’ve already tributed subs, or you’ll find yourself ignored more often than not); sending silently with no expectation of anything in return, just knowing you are serving her and making her life better; a domme who receives regular tributes from a sub hearing about how he has had to go without so she can get that designer bag or party all weekend with her friends. 

Yes, this fetish is about opulence, it’s not ‘pay for my groceries & utility bills’ although honestly I’ve even seen that called FinDom and I am a little confused how buying groceries and paying the water rates is getting anyone hard, but whatever. Different strokes for different folks. The fetish in general though is more about being taken for a ride by a bratty woman who doesn’t care about you and only cares about herself and what she wants. She wants the best of everything and doesn’t care what happens to you. You are reduced to being just a wallet, an object for use and she doesn’t give you any care as why would she? Who gives TLC to a wallet? 

Of course just like all kink, we are talking about fantasy here. This can be a role someone is playing as part of a scene and they can genuinely care about their subs — something that happens over time like in all relationships — but as in all scenes where someone is playing a role, they aren’t going to stop mid-session when the sub is deep in their subspace feeling exploited, used, and objectified (the feeling they wanted all along, and why they consented to this type of play in the first place) and the domme is feeling powerful and wicked and flip a switch to ignore the dynamic they’ve entered into as consenting adults in order to coddle the submissive. They’re in their roles. He is wallet, and she is bratty woman using him. 

Something that many dommes have to deal with is that we’re going against what society tells us is acceptable behavior for women when we’re engaging in any kind of kink as a domme. With the exception of so-called “positive FemDom” types, the rest of us are actively doing things to hurt someone — although never deliberately harm, of course — and as a result, we’re often met with confusion, even by people who are already in the world of BDSM. Because it does take some awareness to realize that the stereotype of the nurturing woman is toxic, bullshit, and not embraced by everyone. Some of us like a badass, powerful woman. 

FinDom can be a harsh kink to get involve in, which may be why so many people spend years just flirting around the edges of it, sending $50 here and there to FinDommes who they are drawn to. To actually dive into the kink and give away actual, real financial power is a big deal. It’s not something I have seen done by many. For the most part, the people engaging in FinDom online are only of the occasional tributes sort and it’s some kind of side hustle for them, which is fine. Each to their own. 

For me though, seeing the constant influx of people who want to get rich quick and annoy the rest of us with their SPAM in the meantime is frustrating. As someone who is passionate about what she does, I want to see more hard players, people who are serious about this kink and engaging in it. I want to see people who take the time to learn the psychology, to take something away from every submissive who kneels before them and bares his or her soul. Something that will make them a better domme, while hopefully giving something to the sub to make them a better sub. 

So yes, I will continue to welcome the boys who send me $50 for a chat, or the gurls who send $200 for someone to critique their clothes in the hope that perhaps one of them will find themselves compatible enough with me to dive a little deeper, and push past their own fears. 

I will also have to take regular breaks from the college girls online spamming every message board and social media site trying to make a little side hustle income to support their classes, and have to wear that thick skin every time I communicate in a FemDom forum and hear about “those awful FinDommes!” remembering that these people are not talking about me, but are talking about spammers who are ruining the space for every one of us. 

I can also hope that some of those college girls read my writing and appreciate this kink is not a get rich quick scheme, but that may be too much to ask. 

If you’re into FinDom, share your favorite — and least favorite — parts of this kink in the comments. I’ll keep the comments clear of SPAM and no-one can send DMs soliciting here so we can have a real conversation about our kinks. Our kinky little utopia on the internet.  

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