When even the most self-aware people have a big kinky blind spot!
Originally published in Notes From Your Dominatrix
“Is this what your ex meant when she called you a sexual deviant?” I found myself asking, “that you get off on hot girls rejecting you, humiliating you, reminding you of how much of a loser you are?”
You would think I was in the middle of a humiliatrix session with someone who called me on NiteFlirt, but I wasn’t. I was talking to someone who I very much shouldn’t be talking to like this.
My manager stood to his full height — and he’s A LOT taller than me — and looked down his nose at me. I just grinned up at him.
What was he going to do?
“How did you know what she called me?” He asked, and my grin grew wider.
Rather than stand there and continue saying things that would incriminate him and make me grin, he dropped his voice, “you know too much.”
I knew I was playing with fire, but this is what I do. This is who I am. A bad bitch 24/7. Just like it says on the tin…
“Perhaps.” I agreed. “But I am right.”
Now it was his turn to grin, then he turned and walked away.
I got myself in a lot of hot water a few weeks ago when I asked other dommes what they thought of the SPAM they received and if they ever made light of it and laughed — don’t you make fun of them, at least sometimes? I wasn’t talking about the guys who are potential subs yet were a little misguided, but about the people who approach us ‘just to chat’ or whatever and say hi, even after they’ve been told that’s not how to approach anyone. Even though they know you’re a professional whose time is valuable, or an amateur like these women who don’t have the emotional capacity for all the rubbish they receive every day online.
The other FemDoms — not a single one of them a professional — bleated about how inappropriate it is for me who gets more mail than them and who literally has to deal with this issue all day every day as part of my job, to make light of this serious situation of an inbox full of ‘hi, how r u?’ because don’t I know, this is a serious violation of BDSM protocol — a slippery allegation at best — and a serious crime of sexual harassment!?
I shrugged them off laughing a little, although not cruelly. I can disagree with someone without being harsh about it — a street that only runs one way in this case — I laughed just like how I laughed at my manager. I wasn’t being harsh to either, and the former didn’t know I had been laughing at their bullshit to begin with. One of these women did block me from accessing the forum, something that added to the ridiculousness of the situation. How dare I make a joke in their presence.
At least the manager got off on something I could respect and understand — he, even if he wasn’t conscious of it all the time, seriously loved being told how useless he was by me — these people get off on being whiny internet weirdos with inflated egos.
Whatever, I thought. At least I understand the motivations of people who approach me. I’m hot. I am a serious pro dom who knows what she is doing. They want a chance to be close to this. They want their chance to be played with, perhaps to experience what it would be like to be owned by myself.
They approach me in the wrong way sometimes because they want to be called losers, these men who sometimes have serious wounds around female rejection. They’re using the kink community to get a sense of control back over those wounds, and perhaps heal them.
They want a pretty girl to reject them in a controlled setting — from behind a keyboard— they want the pretty girl to cuss them out. It’s their humiliation kink. It’s something that has long been a part of their sexualities in many cases, something some of them do not have the self-awareness to even realize about themselves. Of course if they were aware of it, they likely wouldn’t be looking for kink fulfillment in this inappropriate way.
You might think that my manager took this opportunity to get rid of me, or to talk shit about me to the boss so the boss would get rid of me, or at least withhold a raise, or hand off the best projects to other people. Perhaps he pursued a sexual harassment claim against his report who was calling him — quite rightly — a sexual deviant.
That’s not what happened.
I played things perfectly — that domme empathy — because not too long later he was playing his own cards and showing me how much acts of service are a part of his sexuality/some kind of love language.
I would never be someone who says you should pursue someone sexually or romantically at work, this was someone who I had known for some time inside and outside of work, and someone who had openly flirted with me every single day. I knew I could say these things and they would be received as I intended them. Don’t do this at home kids, you’ll probably get hurt.
It can be hard when you’re kinky to find other kinky people in your regular life, which is why so many people come to me. They found a partner who they love but sometimes late at night they just want someone to tell them what a useless sack of shit they are, and here I am. Waiting eagerly to get my teeth stuck into them so they can feel that high they only get from carefully crafted humiliation scenes — a high much better than the one SPAMer dudes get from the odd message from an amateur calling them a loser — Some will form attachments to me and will become more than just an occasional caller. They’ll want to become my regular submissives. These regular submissives are what I adore about what I do. There are a lot of things I adore about what I do, those connections though are very much up there!
Many people SPAM for a reason, whether it is to get some quick cash as a fake FinDomme — something that rarely works — or to get some quick and dirty humiliation in, there is a reason. They’re just not adept at approaching the right people in the right way to ensure they’re not bothering everyone else with their desires.
I understand these messages are annoying — I get more than the average user on social media because of the work that I do, so I get it — however, I understand that they are often people seeking fantasy fulfillment who don’t quite know how to ask for what they want because they’re probably not aware they even have those wounds in the first place, much less that they want to explore them in an erotic way. I guess my knowing this is what separates me from the amateurs in this case is a bit of empathy and understanding. That, and a sense of humor apparently! 😉
What are some misguided ways you have seen people trying to fulfill their kinks — perhaps when they weren’t even aware of what they were doing?
Victoria Gray 