When kinksters themselves police one anothers fetishes.
I was on a forum discussing one of my favorite kinks when someone asked a question that was of the ‘I think this situation I am in is really hot, but just for practicalities sake, how do I get out of it when vanilla life means I have to?’ bent.
Playing into the hotness of the situation I responded and got into a conversation with the person who originally posted. We were both really loving how hot the idea of his predicament was, and it was obviously the point of us talking at all on this forum that is made with this particular kind of conversation in mind, where everyone is consenting to reading about kink.
A third person came in — a member of the BDSM police — and told me about how I was an “abusive dom” because my fantasies were not to this outsiders liking. I wasn’t going to ask this person to think for themselves, that I a) wasn’t in a relationship or dynamic with the poster, so I am not their dom and b) was clearly just enjoying a fantasy that I share with the poster. The poster wasn’t upset that we both got hot over the same things, quite the contrary.
Like all the stupid messages and comments I get I left it, because my energy is precious. Also, because men pay me good money to humiliate them. I am not going to humiliate this loser in an online forum for free by pointing out just how stupid they are.
The interaction got me thinking about the BDSM police and just how much they love to harp on.
Before OnlyFans, FetLife was a dumpster fire of BDSM police screaming at one another about the ‘right’ way to do kink. Often the same people who would harp on about consent — building huge followings and referring to themselves as ‘Fet-lebrities’ — were the same people who were later found to have a string of consent violations and even sexual assaults and other serious crimes in their past.
And that’s just one form of kinky social media. There’s plenty of trash on reddit, on twitter, on tiktok. A lot of people yelling at one another about how they are doing it all wrong, all while the people doing the yelling are either not getting any play and therefore are not experienced enough to be making such judgements, or are using their consent warrior/BDSM police platform to pick up newbies who don’t know any better.
The BDSM police are also quick to scream for censorship of BDSM romance novels like 50 Shades of Gray. Sure, things in that book aren’t quite how you would have them Kyle, but the people reading it are not looking for realism or a how-to-BDSM book. They’re looking for a fantasy.
Just like the ninety-nine per cent of people who download my audios, browse my videos, call or DM me are not looking for someone to police their kinks, and act as the thought police. They’re looking for someone who will listen to them as they share some of the most vulnerable secrets they’ve kept close to their hearts. They’re looking for someone who understands their kinks and isn’t going to judge them for getting off on what they get off on.
Some of the kinks that I have the most experience with — Chastity, Coerced Bi, Cuckold, Sissification and Feminization to name a few — are kinks and fetishes that are not only incredibly misunderstood, but are also quite taboo in many circles. Yes, even supposedly libertarian BDSM circles. I would say particularly these circles, but perhaps I am biased with my fatigue around the BDSM communities constant policing of all the deliciously naughty, kinky thoughts I have.
Within the world of BDSM, there has to be space for fantasy. Yes, we all want to make sure everyone is playing safely. But, as adults we have to understand that the person who is talking about throwing away their chastity key is talking about a fantasy most of the time. If you’re concerned, offer that person an ear for a moment and if they sound distressed or unstable, then deal with it. If they sound like they’re typing with one hand while playing up a fantasy they’ve had in their head that’s gone unexpressed, then let them. They’re not harming you any by doing that.
Even as I say this I know that much of the people who contact me are just fantasizing, and are contacting me because of this constant policing of fantasy within BDSM spaces. Yes, it doesn’t help my work to have kinksters be more open-minded and use their brains before they try to control everyone and shut every conversation about kink or BDSM down, but this isn’t coming from a place of wanting to do business.
This is coming from the place of being a genuine kinkster who is exhausted by all of the policing.
Fifty-Shades is not going to do much to hurt you. Actually, it might bring some new blood into your local community. It might well bring in some people who you would really love to play with and not get the chance to otherwise.
My enjoyment of mutual fantasies with people — whether of premium or free social media — isn’t going to harm your 20 year marriage to the dude who calls you ‘Mommy’ and lets you spank him once a year.
Relax. This is supposed to be an enjoyable time had by all, not an opportunity for you to police the sexy fun things in life and stop the rest of us from enjoying what time we have to embrace those parts of ourselves.
So next time you think about screaming about weal and twue BDSM and how the person who you’re talking to doesn’t understand, take a moment to think for yourself: this person likely has more experience than you, is enjoying themselves, and does not believe that this one little conversation online among many is as big of a deal as you do. Go outside and touch some grass.
How are you doing with the BDSM police and censorship? Have you been arrested for your thought crimes yet?
Victoria Gray 