Separating the Dommes from the DreamersThe Best Dommes Use Empathy Differently

Originally published in Notes From Your Dominatrix

Last week I wrote a note to a couple of people who have favorited me on NiteFlirt. I explained that due to my commitments with some puppies I am currently fostering I might not be available for phone calls at my usual times, yet will still endeavor to be available as much as possible. This one note started some really interesting conversations. One of those conversations was with someone who actually hadn’t called me before, but who had some interesting perspectives.

Right off the bat he told me how the idea of me doing charity work, specifically charity work where I am in a caring role does kill his fantasy of me as this harsh Mistress who will discipline him for being a very, very bad boy.

I told him I understood what he was saying, but that even the harsh Mistress will be someone who — one hopes — understands the fantasy she is engaging in with her charge, and understands how to play that particular fantasy to perfection. Any Mistress worth her salt will know the difference between fantasy and reality, and will know that right now she is engaging in some hot AF fantasies that deserve the space she is creating for them.

To perform her role to perfection she does need a lot of knowledge of psychology and kink, but also something a little bit extra. That something that separates the professional dommes from the angry amateurs. A good domme has empathy. When I say empathy though, I am very much not talking about the coddling kind.

Of course — she doesn’t always rush to mop up your wounds and coddle you, that is unless she is a mommy domme or taking on the role of a softer dominatrix life coach. No, she uses that empathy in a different way.

Her empathy is a superpower. A superpower that tells her how her sub is feeling, and how to make him feel more of what she wants — and he wants — and less of things that neither of them want. A good domme will push all the right buttons at all the right times and create an experience. It’s not fake or contrived, it’s not play acting, it’s fantasy fulfillment and that takes a unique skill set that she will have cultivated from experience and awareness. A set of skills she enjoyed using to effect so much that she spent years honing them, and is continuing to hone those skills.

She wants to make him feel small? She can.

She wants to make him feel powerless? She can.

She wants to remind him that he is weak, and she is powerful? She can.

All of this is being done to men who are anything but small, powerless and weak. Most of the people who see professionals are successful men of means, of course they are, they can afford it.

The reason she can do all of these things is because she has passion for them enough to have put in the hard work. She took the time to study the psychology of kink, she took the time to practice and to learn and to get feedback often before she started charging a single cent. But she also has a sense of how you’re feeling, something she needs if she wants to take control of you.

Perhaps she got some practice as a submissive before she ever tried the role of domme, perhaps she has spent time asking for feedback after every session, perhaps she spends significant amounts of time collecting data from a variety of people on online forums and social media, perhaps she is really good at reading the signs, asking the right questions. The one common thread throughout all of these examples is that she wants to get better. She is passionate about being the best dominatrix she can be.

So no, I do not think that the empathy I clearly posses that makes me a good dog owner and puppy foster carer, and the empathy I posses that make me a good domme — when used correctly — should be hidden away. I think they should be on display so subs like this one who are curious enough to add me to their favorites but who have not yet decided to take the plunge and give me a call are aware that they are dealing with a professional Mistress, not just someone trying to make a quick buck, or an amateur who believes they know everything and can stop working to become better.

If after reading this you’re inspired to do something nice for the puppies, you can send them items from their wishlist on Amazon. I regularly update the list for whoever is in my care. If after reading this you would like to be made to feel a certain something, you’ll know where to find me.

Comments are open for people to discuss empathy and how it has been used in contexts outside of what we normally think of as empathy — the coddling kind — I am all ears!

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