At a play party recently I was talking to a friend of mine about someone I had been seeing. The guy is a total alpha, in control at work and everywhere. He’s the type of guy who I normally describe to guys on the phone looking for a forced bi fantasy. Tall, strong, sexy, successful.
Yeah, that guy.
So, one night when I had been teasing him but wouldn’t let him come over – I was seeing him the next night and didn’t want to spoil it for myself – he did something that really threw me.
He started begging.
Transforming from the hot always in control alpha guy who I adored to the submissive in a heartbeat, I had to take stock. Is there really such a thing as a dominant man, or are they just men who have not met Victoria Gray yet?
My friend at the play party told me I should tell the alpha I loved it when he begged, that I wanted to see more of this submissive side he had evidently hidden away.
But a part of me was – is – scared. I worry that I will never meet that alpha guy I see in movies. I worry that I will never find my equal and will always be in D/s relationships. I worry that perhaps he doesn’t exist. Or, worse, he does, but every time I meet him I turn him. If my quest was to find equality rather than BDSM, I have failed inside every relationship I have ever had.
I wanted to share my story – and proof that even I have serious indecision – on my blog here for posterity. I am unsure what I will do, and even if perhaps it is better to embrace the D/s that will never go away rather than shy away from it again. I would like this here so I can look back at this moment in time and smile.
Let’s see what happens.